Put yourself in situation. You have a 10-year-old son who doesn't pay much attention to you, who has lost your respect, who does what he wants and when he wants, without paying attention to you and whose teacher tells you that he is rude and disrespectful at school, he doesn't listen, no He stops talking and does not do the job he is sent.
What can you do? About what I would do, we'll talk later. About what the true mother of that child decided to do, we talk now. After many threats that the child no longer served him because he did not believe them, and after finally threatening to call the police, and the child continued to ignore him for not believing him, he finally did. The police came and simulated an arrest that ended the child crying and apologizing. The most terrible thing is that I read everywhere messages of support for this mother, as if she had done something right.
How was everything
As explained in El Confidencial, Chiquita Hill, the boy's mother, called the police and explained that he no longer knew what to do with his son and that, at some point when they were not on duty, I would be grateful if they would come to talk to him.
And they did it. They went to his house, told him that they had been alerted of his bad behavior, they put some handcuffs on and took him "arrested" to the car.
The boy got an impressive scare, crying all the time, and there he remained, in the car, for a few minutes, until at the end they decided to release him. The boy ran to his mother and in tears told him that he would never do it again.
The mother, it seems, She is very happy with the method used because she explains that since that day, Sean, the boy, is behaving very well.
Something has had to do this mother wrong for 10 years
What can lead a mother to end up calling the police to give a touch of attention to her son? Yes, despair, but also the having done something wrong during the child's 10 years of life, if in the end there must be someone else who makes the child see his bad behavior.
What do I mean? Well, to the total lack of authority of the mother. Do you remember the typical phrase "you will see when your father comes, I will tell him everything"? My mother told me many times and it was an educational resource of my mother with whom, without knowing it, she threw herself on the ground, because it amounts to "you don't listen to me, I don't know how to educate you, but as your father Yes, I'll talk to him. "
And it is not that my father knew more or knew less, we were simply afraid of him and that made us think twice about our visible acts. If we suspected they could catch us, maybe we didn't do anything. If we were clear that there was no danger, free way. Why? Because they taught us that the reason for not doing what they don't want you to do is the negative consequence that adults invented, punishment, reprimand, instead of teaching us to be good people and respectful by choice.
In 10 years, that mother has been unable to get her son to respect her and unable to respect her teachers. Maybe the child has been attracting attention for so long in search of a mother (and a father) to be told how far she can go? Perhaps yes, because although it seems a lie, children often misbehave so that once and for all their parents become parents. Maybe he has been attracting attention for so long because It is the only way to listen to him? Well, it can also be, because there are children who feel that their parents do not spend enough time with them, that they do not feel accompanied, and then they look for ways to become visible to them, their parents, sometimes with somewhat drastic measures: "If you behave well you don't play with me, you are not for me, I will do what you do not want me to do and so, at least, you will see that I am here, that I exist." It's stupid? Is it dysfunctional? Yes, of course, but it is an adaptation, because children prefer bad attention than lack of attention, because after a punishment, a reprimand, kind words of negotiation always come from, "are you really going to pay me more attention, than will you behave? Well, come on, pay attention to me, I love you so much, my son. "
The unfulfilled threats
I do not know which of the two situations is the one that has happened, if it is only one, if they are both or if there are more mitigating ones (Are the parents separated? Do they fight at home? Do you have siblings and feel they receive more attention than him?…), but what is clear is that the mother's educational tools have not been enough to make her son what we all expect from our children, that they be humble, kind, friendly and respectful people.
He has not succeeded because, it seems, they say, he used to threaten without ever fulfilling those threats. If threats, you must comply, because if the child has been listening to your threats for 10 years and you never comply with them, it is clear that they are useless. And eye, I do not say that educating threatening is useful or a good resource, because it is not. It is the threat of harm or punishment, and punishments only generate anger, in addition to assuming, as I say, an invented negative consequence that probably has nothing to do with the actual consequence. What am i talking about? Well, if a child loses respect for another child, for example, we should not threaten a punishment or punish him with what comes to mind, but put a lot of emphasis and stress on making him see what causes the other child. Let him know how the child victim feels of his teasing, laughter, insults or his violence. Imagine it, think about it, put it on your skin, feel it, think what would happen if that child were him, and know that we don't like it, that it saddens us and disappoints to see that our son behaves like this.
The children love us and the last thing they want is to let us down. From there (and working since they are small), they can make small changes and internalize what are the behaviors that make us and the rest of society happy and which ones nobody likes. Obviously, they also don't want to feel disappointed with us, so our mission must be to fulfill our role as parents: Be a good example, do the same thing we hope they do and dedicate time and love, which are the generators of a good relationship between parents and children.
Returning to the threats, what has been said: if it is your educational tool, if you are not able to do everything else, everything that we have just explained, then keep it up, but at least keep what you promise.
An exemplary punishment ...
What happens if you don't comply? Well, the movements of your son are growing and your threats are becoming more serious, until the day you decide to send him the message "I don't know how to educate you my son, throw in the towel, I give up, I will call the police". At that time (sad and unfortunate, and I say it thinking about the mother, who deep down I feel sorry because it must be very hard to get to that point), decides to call at the risk of the shot going out the butt and the police Don't go, which is what should have happened: "Madam, the police are not for those things. Educate your child and, if you are not able, seek help."
However, the police came and gave the child a tremendous fright, an exemplary punishment. The Columbus police department, where this news comes from, has been unmarked from the actions of the agents ensuring that they were not authorized to do so. Come on, in fact the agents came by their own decision, because the department did not consider it to be a situation in which they should intervene. The boy cried, felt unprotected, humiliated and terribly scared thinking that he was really being taken to jail or go to know where and for how long. He ran home crying and since then he behaves very well. The punishment worked, the happy mother and hundreds of people agreed with that mother, patting her back because they consider it an appropriate method.
... that can be turned against
An exemplary punishment ... that can be turned against. Why punishments solve the tip of the iceberg, the visible, but not the root of the problem. Does the child behave well? Yeah right. What child wants the police to come to his house twice? He fears that it will happen again and, fleeing from it, does everything possible so that it does not happen again.
In fact, I am sure that now he does not know very well what he can and what he cannot do and surely the mother is looking at him when he does something he does not like in the plan "I pick up the phone and call again, huh?".
But what will happen when the story of calling the police loses effect? What will happen when I no longer scare you? Because those 5 minutes of fear, horror and anger can turn against your mother. From here 3 or 4 years, when that child is a teenager with fellow adolescents, all of them in search of an identity and the desired popularity will begin to do things behind their parents' backs that only their moral integrity can stop (their education, their ethics, what they have learned at home and school years ago). In his case it will have been none of that, but the police, who one day went to his house. But it will be an age when he will know that what his mother did was an odious fact and that it is something that will not be repeated because the police are for important things. Come on, that the boy, already young, will remember the few educational resources of his mother, his lack of authority and that he had to end up calling the police to give him a touch of attention and feel anger, anger towards her and, knowing all this , without the fear of a 10-year-old boy, You can do what you want, whenever you want.
And he may not do it, but perhaps he does, because what that mother has done wrong for 10 years will continue to do, because his authority, respect for her by her son, does not exist beyond her ability to take the phone and dial 911. And everything that for 10 years has made that child disrespectful to her and everyone else will continue to be present day by day. That's a punishment, temporarily solve something, prune four branches, but leave the root of the problem, encysting and growing, so that in the future, probably, the problem will go further.
Do you really still think that this woman did well by calling the police? I am all ears and I am willing to talk about it and discuss it. In any case, the ultimate goal is talk about education and find among all, as parents, the best way to educate our children.
