Parents ensure that we love and treat our children equally, without predilection for any one in particular, but science ensures that we lie. Several scientific studies have taken care to delve into the bowels of family relationships and have managed to refute this maxim repeated tirelessly by parents.
The researchers say that most parents do have a favorite child, usually the oldest, and also see it as something natural that parents must accept without guilt. If this is your case, we give you some keys to maintain a healthy balance in the family.
What does science say about the favorite son
One of the most important studies on the preference of children was conducted in 2005 by the University of California-Davis and directed by the sociologist Katherine Conger. For three years, the behaviors of 384 families formed by a marriage (there were no divorces) and two teenage children who were born four years apart were observed.
The children were asked how they felt they were treated by their parents, if they noticed any differential treatment with respect to their siblings and if this had affected their self-esteem in any way. In general, the eldest son did notice that favoritism deal.
The investigation also revealed that there is a higher rate of low self-esteem among younger siblings, caused by the favoritism of the parents by the firstborn. On the other hand, differential treatment hardly seems to affect the self-esteem of the elderly.
70% of fathers and 74% of mothers admitted to having preferential treatment towards one of their children.Based on this study, years later (in October 2011) a report was published in the magazine 'Time' entitled 'Why mom likes you more', signed by Jeffrey Kluger, author of the book 'The effect of the brothers: what the bonds between brothers and sisters reveal about us' (The sibling effect: what the bonds among brothers and sisters reveal about us).
The author stated that "95% of parents have a preferred child and the remaining 5% lie." He justified this preference in the principle of survival of the species:
"The biological and narcissistic act of replicating oneself through the coming generations drives parents to lean in favor of the eldest or the healthiest child, since it will have more reproductive success," says Kluger.
Another study came to light last year with data collected from 725 adult children from 309 families, says that 75% of older mothers admitted being closer to an adult child.
Being the favorite son is not so good
The cost of being the favorite child is high. Those who feel emotionally closer to their parents are those who report having stronger depressive symptoms, according to researcher Megan Gilligan of Iowa State University.
This is due to the pressure and the responsibility of having to always live up to and the fear of not disappointing parents.
Do we have a favorite son and are we guilty of accepting him?
Accept that we have a favorite child can look like a betrayal of our parents role. We want to give our children equal treatment so that no one feels more or less than the other, so accepting the preference for one of them entails a inevitable feeling of guilt.
I honestly don't think I have a favorite daughter, at least not consciously. Yes there are stages in which I put more focus on some because it is going through a particular situation and at that moment it needs more attention, but in no case does it mean that it wants more to one or has favoritism over any one above its two sisters.
Favoritism is normal
Anyway, according to experts, recognizing that you have a favorite child is not bad at all. Psychologist Ellen Weber Libby, author of "The Favorite Child," says parents should know that favoritism is normal and that happens in all families to some degree.
Some parents may prefer a child who is more like them, with whom they feel more identified by their tastes or because they remind them when they were little. The favorite may also change over time; A parent may prefer a child at a certain stage, such as a baby or teenager.
The problem comes when "preferential treatment is constantly focused on only one child or it is used to increase parents' self-esteem and feed their own ego, so you can easily cross the line to be unhealthy, "he adds.
If you have favoritism for a child, Dr. Libby says that denying it is the worst thing you can do. You must open your eyes to reality, don't blame you and act in the best way to maintain a healthy balance in the family.
How to maintain a healthy balance in the family
Avoid comparisons: save yourself phrases like "Why can't you be more like your brother?" or "learn from your brother", which only leads to encouraging harmful comparisons between them.
Spend the same time to all your children: Be sure to pay attention to all your children equally. If the activity of one of your children takes up too much time, try to balance it by looking for exclusive time for your other children.
Avoid gestures and words that encourage favoritism: Don't talk about your son as "my favorite". Even if it is a joke, children assume these roles by making them their own.
Listen to your children: It may not seem like it to you, but children tend to be very direct in these matters. If any of them point to a favor towards your brother, do not deny it and reflect on it.
The Sibling Effect: What the Bonds Among Brothers and Sisters Reveal about Us
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