Have you ever wanted to "disconnect" the baby? Quiet, it's normal

The feeling of guilt is normal after giving birth, when certain thoughts come to our mind that make us doubt whether we are good mothers or not. Luckily, these feelings are common and very normal in a novel situation and in which we feel vulnerable, with a great responsibility for which we had not prepared.

We are clear that we love our baby, but after sleepless nights, when you think that the body does not give you more, accumulated fatigue can make a dent in our interior and we can feel that we need to "disconnect" the baby, take a few moments of tranquility, rest, away from diapers, cries and worries so common in motherhood. And not for that reason we are worse mothers.

This is not the only feeling of guilt that can address us after being mothers, but one of the most common and that will not place us in the group of "bad mothers." What we have to keep in mind is that, when this emotion assails us, we have to know how to manage it well, without letting the idea of ​​guilt obsess and without thinking that we love the baby less.

One of the reasons why this feeling is so common is that of the idealized image of motherhood that you usually have, when they tell you that you are going to be the happiest woman in the world, but they don't talk to you about the difficult and hard times when the baby arrives and revolutionizes our homes and our lives. So, we feel that we do not fit, that we are not within "normal" or "what should be", although it is precisely the most common.

And, just as for other questions of our life we ​​prepare ourselves thoroughly and for a long time, for motherhood the courses of childbirth preparation can do little and almost everything comes as a surprise. There are no courses to show us everything that a child is going to entail, to really prepare us (would the birth rate go down?) And in addition every baby (and every mother and every father) is different, so there are no universal norms.

This feeling of wanting to disconnect can also occur when the child grows up, if the mother has no other occupation (even if she has decided so) and believes that one, two, three years of her life has focused on her child (or several children), somehow losing their own individuality, leaving aside their likes, hobbies, caring for themselves or their friends ...

That is why it is important not to leave aside all these things when we are mothers, since although we inaugurate a new facet in our life, the most exciting, that is why our other previous facets cease to exist, as a friend, as a couple, as a daughter, with our tastes ... Cultivating these other compartments of our lives, if we have doubts, will make us feel better, more relaxed, complete, and avoid blocking ourselves in a feeling of "I can no more, I need to disconnect ".

Many women who work, even if they are not easily told about the fear of "what they will think of me" (again the feeling of guilt), they feel like returning to their jobs, even some may think about advancing reinstatement. The reasons are usually the same as described above (unless we have a position of great responsibility): we feel absorbed by the baby and at work "disconnect", we recover a facet that we do not want to forget, we resume contact with peers and , in short, we don't just talk about boogers and diapers (although those topics will invariably add up to many conversations from now on, also at work).

Of course, each case and each family are different and this is a choice that every woman has to make. It is a complex deal. For many women the maternity leave stage is the best and they extend a leave to continue being with the baby. Do you think they are therefore better mothers? I certainly don't feel that way. In addition, even from voluntary leave I have needed those moments of "disconnection", very punctual, which leads us to see that they are not incompatible decisions or feelings.

Need to disconnect from the baby, and count it

Perhaps, if I had not had the help of a couple and family for the care of my daughters, when I asked them to take care of them at certain times, I would have felt a greater need to "disconnect" and, worse, that feeling could have increased and have come to overflow.

Therefore, It is best to share this concern with our partner or close family that worries us, because the simple fact of talking about it will get us to take a weight off, to minimize the problem. It is even likely that with the support of these trustworthy people we will recharge the batteries and realize that the feeling of guilt disappears, because we feel good.

Our loved ones can help us take some time alone, resting, watching friends, going to the movies or shopping ... and taking care of the baby in the meantime. This help can also be provided in household chores (and not just taking care of the baby), because if the mother is the one who has to take care of everything, her feeling of loneliness and tiredness increases.

If we go out for a while without the baby, it is most likely that we have "confirmed" that our existence continues and has other focuses, that we have missed our little one more than we thought and we would return to his side with desire, enjoying again of your contact, of your company, even of changing diapers. Because, after all, and therein lies the key to this whole matter, our son is still what we want most in this world and he needs us just like us.

If, on the contrary, we keep our emotions without doing something about it, we will not be managing that feeling well, causing it to accumulate and that the desire to disconnect is increased. Sometimes, we talk about something more than a normal and temporary feeling that does not have to worry and see it below.

When to worry about this feeling

One thing is to feel that we can no longer and that we want a time of tranquility or rest and another very different matter is to let that feeling catch us and lengthen in time or be accompanied by a continuous sadness or Desires to harm the baby or ourselves. So, we are talking about worrying situations for which we need professional help.

Because, indeed, the desire for separation of the baby can be a symptom of postpartum depression, when there are negative feelings about motherhood and the child, when thoughts go further and become dark, making it impossible for us to connect with our baby. An extreme and rare case of depression is puerperal psychosis, especially if the woman has a psychiatric history.

Obviously, not all mothers are affected by this feeling of wanting to disconnect from the baby for a while, although I don't know if anyone would raise his hand pointing out that he has never, for a moment, been absorbed, overwhelmed and would have wanted to isolate himself in a bubble of tranquility. The reasons for having this need can be multiple, but the point is that it is something normal that does not make us worse mothers and that we will overcome because we love our baby.

Photos | iStock
In Babies and more | Postpartum depression: what it is and how to recognize it, Tips to overcome the fatigue of the first days after birth, What happens to the mind after giving birth?